Security Measures Upgraded to Include Blood Analysis

by Morgan Greenwald

As a result of freshmen’s complaints about the measures taken to increase security, President C. L. Max Nikias has declared that fingerprint scanning will be upgraded to blood analysis in all freshmen dormitories on USC’s campus.

An assistant to Vice President of Student Affairs Michael Jackson said of the upgrade, “It’s necessary that we take these measures because it’s not like criminals are going to cut students in order to steal blood samples from them. Shit, wait…”

When asked about his boss’s relationship to the deceased pop star and alleged child molester, Jackson’s assistant denied any such relation, but does admit that his boss does a mean “Thriller” dance.

These upgrades come as no shock, but as an outrage nonetheless, to freshmen all over campus being affected by the change. Maggie Cullen, a freshman in the Roski School of Fine Arts majoring in whittlin’, said, “I don’t even bleed when I have an actual cut and now I, like, have to bleed every time I want to get into my dorm? This is obviously just the school being racist at me because I’m rich and white.”

The cost to install these blood analysis machines into every dorm is ten thousand dollars per building. With this money, USC could afford to give air conditioning to freshmen, better food at dining halls, or a small computer lab in each dormitory, students say.

Ebenezer Roofington, the owner of a local apothecary, is concerned that the new security measures will hurt his business.  He said, “Dozens of USC students come into my shop every day in order to be bled by my leeches.  It’s very healthy to be bled, but if every student is bled every time they enter their dorm, no one will want to experience the rejuvenating properties of leech juice!”

The changes are set to take place in the beginning of 2013. In conjunction with these changes, USC plans to hire medical professionals who will be on site at all times in the case of fainting or complications, all of whom have had two hour training sessions before starting.