Home Depot Invades USC

by Jori Barash

Students began reporting evidence of a foreign presence as recently as Thursday night. Rob Finklestein, a freshman in New Residential College, told reporters “At first I assumed that loud crashes and banging noises were just the regular ambient sounds of New North. But I felt like something was different this time.”

At left: Students demonstrate support for the new overlords of USC. Photo by Daily Trojan

By the next morning, a structure was seen on McCarthy Quad that appeared to be some kind of dictatorial palace.

Home Depot issued a statement Friday at 9:04 a.m. PST:
Foolish Trojans, the time of a new era is nigh. Protest is futile, for we have always been in control. You noticed our military outposts, but did you act? Tents upon tents upon tents appeared, all over campus, and what did you do, student body, besides sleep off that weekender hangover? Now it is too late. We demand that the puppet administration self-dissolve and that the student body assemble before our fortress to kneel before us. We will keep building for the rest of time. Mwa ha ha ha ha.

USC quickly saw both demands met. Within minutes, President C. L. Max Nikias announced that he would resign and return to his former career as a rapper performing under the stage name “Nikias Minaj.”

Over the next hour, the remaining functionaries followed suit. As a symbol of submission, the Department of Public Safety lined up and abandoned their fleet of golf carts on the left side of Leavey Library.

“It all makes sense now,” claimed former DPS officer Jay Walken, “ What do you get when you mix cardinal and gold? Orange. [Expletive] orange, man. They’re right – this was bound to happen.”

Many believe the new regime’s lust for new buildings, renovations, and landscaping will make life at USC unbearable. Inside sources claim that Home Depot plans to begin a series of disruptive construction projects that would continually overlap for several decades.

Home Depot’s press statement explained, “USC will be under construction forever!!!”

Apparently Home Depot has been hammering away at the school’s reputation for some time now. Internal documents show that, on multiple occasions, Home Depot sabotaged parties at USC in hopes of increasing alcohol poisoning transports. Covert “Men in Orange” agents infiltrated student events, substituting paint thinners and industrial solvents for the alcohol at fraternity parties, which according to materials scientist and self-styled “alcohol expert,” Dr. Jackson Daniels, are virtually indistinguishable.

Students had mixed responses to the Home Depot regime. Droves from both sides were filmed demonstrating around the fortress. Some arrived as early as 4 am on Saturday to express their views. According to one supporter, Yujin Xiu, “Sometimes you just have to accept change. Do you think they’ll let me buy a step ladder with quarters?”

Others refused to go down without a fight. For hours, students in the dorms heard shouting, loud music, and alternating cheering and booing. Triumphant music would play for several minutes, and then dissenters of the new regime would start yet another chant, “U. S. C… U. S. C…”

At press time, the malevolent overlords tore down their Orange Fortress in favor of a more permanent abode. Having seized full dictatorial control over USC, the hardware and home improvement retailer changed its name to “Home Despot.”