Film Professor Drew Casper Bites Head off of Freshman Student
by Staff
Students watched esteemed Professor Drew Casper bite a student’s head off during class last Thursday, making him not only a fan of Singin’ in the Rain, but also lecturin’ in the blood.
The student was Jon Don, a freshman majoring in binge watching, who was taking the Intro to Cinema class for his major.
The incident occurred after Mr. Don claimed that Singin’ in the Rain, a film the class had recently viewed, was “stupid” and “not as good as Inception.”
Professor Casper took offense to the comments and got in the face of Mr. Don. As the disagreement escalated, Professor Casper unhinged his jaw and with his fangs, which some say were about three inches long (average), tore off Mr. Don’s head. The bloody head went sailing into the crowd, knocking over several people’s laptops, disrupting important facebook communication and buzzfeed research.
“I was just checking Facebook, when suddenly there was a Freshman’s head in my lap,” claims sophomore sewage treatment major Kirk Quinn.
“I was like, ‘Lol yolo’,” he continued.
Thankfully, there were several Pre-Med students in the crowd to attend to the detached head. The students wrote the head and its accompanying body prescriptions for pain relievers and gave him various informative sheets about the steps he can take to combat headlessness.
Following the decapitation, Professor Casper recited Latin backwards for several minutes while his eyes glowed a fiery crimson.
Professor Casper then apologized profusely to the class, adding in a deep, demonic voice that if anyone attacked his views again he would not hesitate to strike them down, both in GPA and number of limbs.
Professor Casper went on to give a rousing lecture about mise-en-scene and the musicals of Vincente Minnelli. “It was a great lecture, far and away the best one I’ve ever been to,” states Mr. Quinn.
In a demonstration of their forgiveness, the entire class, including Mr. Don’s headless body, gave Professor Casper a standing ovation at the end of the lecture.
Mr. Don’s condition has not affected his studies, saying that many of his fellow film students have succeeded despite lacking a brain attached to the rest of their nervous system.
