USC Cockroaches Sue for Equal Access to Education
by Andy Gause
“We have been stepped on for too long.”
The cockroaches have a variety of professions they wish to pursue, such as film producer, pornographic director, and lawyer.
The ACLU, which has taken up the cockroaches’ case, released a statement saying, “The cockroaches outnumber the human students at USC nearly 5:1, yet because of some antiquated laws and prejudices they can’t study in an environment they clearly thrive in.”
Spokesroaches for the plaintiffs claim that it would be in the administration’s best interest to prepare for a nuclear holocaust, by allowing cockroaches to be a part of the Trojan family, saying, “Fighting on should continue even after the fallout.”
The ACLU is willing to make an exception on the case if cockroaches are allowed to become Department of Public Safety Officers.
In an off-the-record statement they claimed, “They’d make great DPS officers: they are nearly indestructible, they like getting into people’s business, and they love segways.”
Derrick McDerrick, a sophomore pool lounging major claims, “I’ve seen them skittering around campus all the time and I think it’s great that they’re trying to better themselves.”
However, not everyone is in favor of the cockroaches. Leroy Willingham III expressed some doubts, “They’re disgusting man, I don’t care if I seem like a racist, but they is nasty.”
Females in particular seem to be against the inclusion of the Cockroach-Americans. When questioned about the case, several groups of sorority girls claimed, “Ewww, ewwwww, ewwwwww,” while squealing in terror.
“Hopefully in the near future cockroaches will be able to vote, or marry, but we’ll focus on one thing at a time,” said one cockroach.
The ACLU is also trying to stop the spread of such discriminatory terms as ‘roaches’ or ‘cocks’ for their connection to marijuana and penises, respectively. They prefer to be called Cockroach-Americans.
