Chris Christie Shuts Down McClintock Avenue for Political Retribution
by Axel Hellman and Jori Barash
For the past week, the USC community has wondered why traffic is so restricted along McClintock Avenue. Between 34th Street and Childs Way, bike, car, golf cart, and Segway alike are barred from entrance.
Every day, the traffic jam delays thousands, creating an image of disaster, the likes of which have never been seen before. Cyclists are forced to dismount, something DPS has failed to accomplish for years. Golf carts are detoured. Students give up before reaching the Lyons Center.
A Superior Grocers delivery truck was stuck in the traffic jam for three hours. By the time it arrived at its destination, most of the produce was two days past its expiration date.
Amidst the chaos, panic, and confusion, everyone has been looking for someone to blame.
The “Swim Stadium” structure has supposedly been in construction for well over a year, but no one has observed progress.
Recent memos have come to light revealing that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie might be connected to the bizarre street closure. The memo acknowledges that this project is one of many fake renovations.
In a further probe, emails and phone records reveal that Christie, a politician also suspected of involvement in the recent George Washington Bridge scandal, requested that the California Republican political machine (officially known as the America Freedom Jobs Kill Obamacare Taxes Second Amendment Political Action Committee) cause gridlock at USC.
The Sack of Troy would never speculate about such a dire accusation. However it is well known that Governor Christie has deep, messy ties to the University of Southern California. After he unsuccesfully applied for a major in physical education in the 70’s, Christie’s relationship with the cardinal and gold has been strained.
It didn’t help when, in 2007, the College Republicans canceled his keynote speech in favor of Bristol Palin. Most recently, things took a turn for the worst when Provost Elizabeth Garrett suggested Christie bears an uncanny resemblance to sumo-wrestling legend Kyokutenho Masaru.
When reached for comment, Christie denied any involvement:
“I have no knowledge of this street closure that I knew nothing about. These allegations that I have never heard before are completely false, and I have no recollection of the events described in the allegations that I have not heard yet.”
Christie then reminded reporters that he fired his chief-of-staff’s vice president’s second-hand-man’s assistant’s secretary’s intern, who was “entirely responsible for the recent chain of events.”
After a short pause he continued, “In fact, I wasn’t even around at the time. I was in the shower. Naked and everything. I know nothing at all about anything in question. What scandal?”
