In Gallant Social Statement, Naïve Freshman Signs Petition for Both Planned Parenthood and Pro-life Campus Activists

by Zoe Haddad

Every day, students are surrounded and hounded by activists in neon yellow vests, pink t-shirts, clipboards, and always, grinning faces. Whether it’s loitering by the bookstore or loitering by Tommy Trojan or loitering by other loiterers loitering, social activists are found everywhere on campus, preying on the vulnerable freshman who just can’t say no.

However, on Thursday, in an act so bold, so courageous, and so not ignorant, Jonathon Kelsey, the most naivestest freshman majoring in pre-pre-chem, signed both a Planned Parenthood petition and a pro-life petition.

Mr. Kelsey recounts his inspiring experience, “In a world so divided, I thought I could make a difference. Both sides pursued me to sign their petitions, but I signed my name to both these causes to make a statement. I was ‘running late to class’, eating a Verde burrito in one hand and Tindering—I mean, texting my real girlfriend who is real on my iPhone with the other.”

“They approached me… kindly!… and the next thing I know I’m surrounded! Heh… no, but it was okay! I’m fine! It was fine! I WANTED to sign them! Yay babies! Boo babies! Statement! Can I go now?”

Peter Isabelle O’Griffin, a sophomore name-changing studies major, who has also been the subject of prey of campus activists, says, “To escape from those people, sounds come out of my mouth, but I don’t know what.”

O’Griffin says he remembers uttering “heeuhhhnnngghh” and running away one time when an activist asked if he liked killing trees.

Seemingly semi-smart junior who saw the account, Regan Rogan, a mediocre improv major, says, “I usually just say I have to go to the bathroom or something. Jonathon should take my ‘Improv Everywhere But Here’ class.”

As of press time, the activists were pressuring a 10-year-old selling candy in front of Freebirds to sign a petition against child labor.