Lorenzo Lion Attacks Residents for Not Properly ‘Getting the Party Started’
by Andy Gause
The lion seen intimidating students in the greater Los Angeles area
According to the LAPD, the Lorenzo Lion, the student housing company’s dancing mascot, physically assaulted two residents who were not ‘getting amped up,’ at a recent poolside-hooka-dance-jam put on by the housing staff. The two injured residents were Derrick Monroe and Jared Grover, two pre-med sophomores, who were not amused by the party’s ‘scene.’
“They were a total buzzkill,” claims Doug Kirkman, a shirtless miscommunication senior. “They just ate the free food without chilling in the jacuzzi, hitting on the babes, or jamming to the tuneage. I don’t agree with the Lion’s actions, but I can see why he did it.”
Police are investigating the matter, but initial tests suggest that the Lorenzo Lion was prone to violence because of his party spirit, excitement over the Lorenzo’s incredible savings, and the obscene amounts of crack cocaine in his system.
DJ Ernest Hemming-tray, a ‘super-fly’ disc jokey and part-time cashier, was present at the scene. “It was the craziest thing, I was prepping the next song on my Itunes playlist and trying to get the residents to throw their hands in the air, when, all of a sudden, this grinnin’ lion dude charged these two homes and started w-w-wailing on them.” Mr. Hemming-tray added several airhorn noises to his comments with his Macbook Air.
The Lorenzo Lion failed to comment on the matter, although he did offer the media pamphlets regarding the Lorenzo’s first-rate amenities and cheap prices.
Jose Ramirez, the arresting officer in the case, spoke with reporters, “I’ve seen a lot of messed up people on the job, but this guy takes the cake. You can tell he’s seen some shit. He has the eyes of a sociopath. If I were the other residents, I’d be sure to pump up the party the next time this guy shows up.”
