Lyon Center Shutdown After Inevitable Bro-verload

by Alyssa Kennedy

LYON CENTER–-At 9:55 PM last night, lights flashed and alarms sounded as Lyon Center patrons heard a startling announcement over the loudspeakers:

“This is not a drill; this is an emergency. Please exit the building immediately.” Quickly, perplexed gym-goers were herded toward safety near the well-organized bike racks outside.

Katie Hallman, a freshman majoring in sorority studies, recounts her reaction to the sound of the alarms, “Honestly, I was like kind of relieved. My lulu lemon leggings were almost getting sweaty from standing looking good on the elliptical. If the alarm had gone off just a couple minutes later, who knows, like, my makeup might’ve been affected.”

Student employees expected a fiasco of this proportion since the beginning of the semester. According to Brad Smith, a senior ID swiper:

“The Lyon Center can only accommodate so many bros at a time, and there were simply too many swole New Years’ Resolutions. We knew it was only a matter of time before another Bro-verload would be upon us.”

The staff was able to evacuate the building before any significant damage. However, clearing the premises was not an easy task. Reportedly, several students refused to leave, and instead, continued to pump iron. One such student, Tag [no last name given], explained, “I had to finish my hourly bench-press set! You know, like, fratty Friday is only 2 days away.”

Fortunately, however, the staff managed to bribe the remaining dissenters to safety. With minutes before imminent disaster, workers collected over 40 pounds of protein shakes and bro-tanks from around a back room and various lockers. They created a trail of these items leading from various locations of the gym to the designated outside area.

At press time, USC administrators had just sent out a brief email report, acknowledging the evacuation and explaining that nobody was really at fault for the incident.