Churches to Authorize Targeting of Christians

by Luke Phillips

As their celebration to inaugurate the holy month of Lent, a smattering of Christian churches at USC will be hosting an ecumenical Ash Wednesday service at noon on Wednesday, March 5.

The service, which will be open to the public in Bovard Auditorium, will center around the traditional Christian practice of the marking of the forehead with ashes.

The priests or ministers will smear ashes in the design of a cross on the forehead of each churchgoer, ostensibly representing the finite nature of human life and affirming man’s reliance upon God.

A spokesperson from the Vatican explained the Church’s practice of enabling the enemies of Christians to more easily target them. “It’s basically telling the al-Nusra Front in Syria  ‘Yea Verily, I’m a Christian, come murder me!’ “

Students’ reactions were negative.

“It’s part of the Catholic Church’s conspiracy against Christians everywhere,” claimed John Patrick Ryan, a Catholic who attends mass at USC’s Caruso Catholic Center.

“They mark your forehead and call it holy, but what is it? A target. It makes you a target. It’s not a cross, it’s a crosshairs.”

“How much more obvious could it be? Isn’t it clear the Church just wants us to stand out so much on Ash Wednesday, that we’ll be sitting ducks for whoever wants to kill us?”

Ryan apparently will not be receiving ashes on his forehead this Ash Wednesday. His priests, Father Roger Chillingworth and Father Claude Frollo, declined to comment on his theories.

“I’ll bet he actually thinks he’s consuming real human flesh and blood when he takes the Eucharist,” admitted Father Chillingworth. “What am I saying, of course he’s consuming real flesh and blood!” The priest’s spontaneous evil laugh slowly faded into nothing.