Freshman from Upper East Side Beginning to Wonder about Doorman at New/North

by Staff

Chloe Hooter, a freshman hunting/gathering major from New York’s wealthy Upper East Side, first became suspicious when the doorman at New/North refused to help her carry a large package to her aunt’s waiting Land Rover.

“That’s what the doorman is supposed to do, announce your guests, hold the door, and help with packages,” said Hooter, whose family owns the multimillion-dollar casual restaurant chain, Hooters.

Hooter immediately cancelled her plans to give an end-of-year tip to the red-shirted Housing employee.

She was first disturbed by the fact that the doorman required her to scan her fingerprint whenever she entered her dormitory, “But then I thought, hey, it’s college, things will be different.  After all, I get my USC ID swiped by the maître d’ at EVK.”

Hooter then commented, “Ugh, EVK.  Such terrible food.  Reminds me of the snack bar at Hundred Elms [Country Club].  You can’t get a good bœuf bourguignon around here. I’d say the closest place anywhere decent is that restaurant at the Jonathan Club.”

“My daddy told me that things here would not be the same as they are back on East 65th Street,” Hooter continued, “And it’s true.  For instance, last time I called for them to send a car around, I am was picked up by a white minivan that said “Campus Cruiser”.  All of their town cars must be under repair.”

Hooter concluded the interview by declaring her intentions to have one of Daddy’s lawyers look into why the shoe-shine boy at Doheny is always missing.

photo by Irene Hu