Parkside RA Warns Residents about “Bad Part of Town”

by Rob Smat

PARKSIDE ARTS AND HUMANITIES– In a weekly floor meeting, Parkside RA Kenneth Bickle alerted his residents to his worries concerning the “bad part of town” near their dorms.

“I know these kids think they’re pretty well adjusted to life in the city, but they’re wrong. There are just so many dangers only streets away from where they sleep at night” reported Kenneth.

During the meeting, Bickle outlined a particular part of town that he warned residents to stray away from, citing reasons such as: deranged and intoxicated drifters, food of questionable safety standards, and a complete lack of air conditioning units.

The students all agreed that they would stay away from the intersection of McCarthy and Figueroa, where most of this issue was concentrated according to Kenneth.

“I know it’s probably paranoid to completely avoid a certain place, but truthfully I don’t know why I would even want to go somewhere with tons of DPS agents, a constant scent of illicit substances, and communal bathrooms that go uncleaned for three days every week. That sounds like hell,” reported Mannie Derulo, while happily chowing down on the complementary caviar supplied at the meeting.

Bickle concluded the meeting by noting that some people can’t help it, even he himself lived in this area for much of his first year at USC.

“But in the end,” he stated, “it’s just not a safe environment for college students, especially if you find yourself alone.”

Despite the decrepit conditions, Bickle did mention there was a 24-hour Starbucks in the area that was worth checking out, in the safer daylight hours.

At press time, Parkside students were discussing times when they could go to serve at everybody’s soup kitchen, as a way to help alleviate the squalid and overcrowded housing conditions affecting the residents.