Longboarders File Petition to Ban Pedestrians from Campus
by Staff
USC–Frustrated by his traffic-clogged 6-minute commute to class every day, Jorge O’Farrell decided to take action. O’Farrell, a junior pseudoscience major, started a Facebook page called “Ban the Pedestrians,” which quickly received hundreds of supporters. And like all social media-based activist movements, a rational, calm-tempered discussion followed that resulted in a realistic, reasonable plan.
The plan was presented to USC administrators, along with almost 2,000 signatures in support. It calls for pedestrians to be banned from most streets, walkways (renamed longboardways under the plan), and paths on the USC campus.
The exception is Trousdale Parkway. A special “pedestrian lane” will be created to allow students to enter campus on foot without endangering longboarders and cyclists. Shortly after they enter campus, DPS officers will be stationed to instruct pedestrians that they must get on a longboard to proceed any farther.
Many longboarders spoke of how unsafe pedestrians are. Ximing Wang, a graduate student studying aquarium curatorship and frequent longboarder, asked the Sack of Troy, “Pedestrians have no brakes. What if they need to stop quickly?”
Irate longboarder Deangelo DelMare, a quasi-senior who studies sea life with innumerable limbs, says, “Something must be done. I can’t swerve out of the way for much longer. With only two legs, it’s no wonder humans can’t move accordingly.”
O’Farrell, with a tear in his eye, added, “I can’t tell you how many longboarders have been mown down on our streets by reckless pedestrians. Their movements are so erratic and unpredictable, not like us skateboarders who can only travel in a straight line.”
O’Farrell continued that, “Feet weren’t made for walking! Feet were made for kicking crotches and weird sex fetishes. Skateboards, on the other hand, were made to go everywhere, except grass, tiles, most sidewalks in the area, and any surface that’s not perfectly smooth.”
O’Farrell also discussed the alarming trend of walking under the influence, citing a hit-and-walk he witnessed on the Row one Friday night. He watched the inebriated pedestrian collide with another pedestrian, speed away from the scene of the accident at 2.5 miles per hour, and refuel at a frat party before ordering take-out at the walk-thru lane at Chano’s.
