Lorenzo Shuts Off Fountains, Drought Ends

by Grace Carballo

LOS ANGELES, CALIF. – After 2 years or something, California’s “megadrought” is finally over. Until recently, microbioclimatologists attributed the drought to a mass of high-pressure air off the coast of the Pacific. Now, however, city officials and meteorologists believe that the actual culprit is USC’s “Lorenzo.”

Katherine Suter, a Southern California native who lives 3 blocks from the Lorenzo, celebrated with her first shower longer than two minutes in months. “It felt so unnatural not collecting the shower water to reuse for my vegetable garden.”

Last July, Governor Jerry Brown declared a statewide drought emergency after intense, intense dryness. The regulations restricted outdoor water use including watering lawns and washing cars. Lorenzo administrators, however, insisted that “Spectacular Dancing Waters” were not included in the regulatory language.

Marco Blivious, director of promotions at the Lorenzo, graciously invited city investigators to “Stop by our Bellagio-Style Interactive Fountain at your convenience. We have continuous daytime and nighttime shows!”

When asked his take on the drought ending, one Lorenzo resident, Richie McGee, answered, “There was a drought?” He then excused himself from the interview to decide which of the 4 resort-style swimming pools would be the best backdrop for his afternoon sunbathing session.

Susan Dough, who moved into a Botticelli unit last spring, countered; “If there really was a drought, why did I see a gardener watering the lawn while it was raining?”

These questions and more will be answered in the upcoming EPA trials against the Lorenzo. In a statement to the press, Blivious said, “The Lorenzo has always been committed to upscale living AND green living. Our pools and spas are heated with solar energy.”

The Lorenzo presently remains a sponsor of the highly controversial, “Slide the City” event which will feature a 1,000 foot slip-n-slide and several hundred gallons of water advertising the upscale student living, through the heart of downtown Los Angeles. To prevent future droughts, the water will be be fed directly from the recently revitalized LA River.

At press time, atmospheric scientists reported a near 100% reduction in Los Angeles smog after The Lorenzo canceled its bi-minutely shuttle service to campus.