Paramedics Arrive Too Late to Revive UV

by Rob Smat

W. JEFFERSON BOULEVARD — It was only a matter of weeks, but unfortunately, every second mattered in the failed rescue of USC’s University Village. Paramedics arrived at the scene this past Wednesday, only days after the UV had been completely demolished.

“We could have saved it,” reported Fire Chief Lance Brigson, “but we just didn’t get here fast enough.” Time of death was reported somewhere between 2012 and 1995 for the ailing Village. However, another UV is reportedly under construction and should last much longer, since more money was poured into it.