USC Provost Vows to Reduce Number of Reported Sexual Assaults

by Staff

BOVARD AUDITORIUM–Last year, the Department of Justice named USC among 55 American universities that underreported or mishandled cases of sexual assault among students.  Unfortunately, one year later, little has changed.  Today, USC’s administration vowed to redouble its efforts and tackle the problem.

Provost Elizabeth Garrett spoke at a press conference, declaring “There is a small number of students here who commit violent sexual acts against their fellow students.  Those students report these events to DPS almost every weekend.  This is a tragic issue.”

“We have a problem here at USC,” declared Garrett, “Too many of our students are going to the authorities as victims of sexual assault.  This university should not allow one more report of sexual assault. We must stop this abominable behavior at its source.”

The redoubled effort will begin with education. The Women’s Student Assembly will see their budget nearly tripled to speak at orientations and in Greek life about the issue. Particularly, representatives will emphasize how bureaucracy accomplishes nothing. Administration expects discussions of assault to nearly completely replace reports.

Come October, every official at the Office of Student Affairs, Department of Public Safety, and Health Center counselors will be required to have a dedicated sexual assault report container at his or her side.  Students can submit reports of sexual assault to these specially trained officials, who will then place paper copies of the reports in the containers.

The plastic receptacles will be approximately one foot high, and black or blue in color. Administrators say the program builds on the success of President Nikias’ student suggestion box, which utilizes a similar repository for processing feedback. The Environmental student assembly will make sure complaints get review, or reprocessed, or something like that.

“Following this program’s implementation, we expect the number of reported cases of sexual assault and rape to fall to zero,” heralded Garrett, “Problem solved.”

“After all, it worked with SCALE protests.”