Where Your Tuition Goes, Part II

by Staff

BOVARD AUDITORIUM — For the second year in a row, the university released a dollar-by-dollar enumeration of how students’ tuition dollars are spent.  Below is a summary of how much each of the university’s projects cost per student:

• $1.30         Decorative kale at EVK
• $12.40       Freshman de-lanyarding
• $102.10     Replacing every tree on campus each year
• $1,200.00  Fence to keep out the poors
• $20.10       Racial prejudice training for DPS to keep out the poors
• $30.30       Extensive bureaucratic system to reduce financial aid and keep out the poors
• $104.28     UV rat rehabilitation sanctuary
• $74.19       Armed DPS Segway research & development
• $105.11     USC Housing’s suppression of the Union of Janitorial Professionals
• $104.00     Red Bricks
• $5.17         Complex boobie traps that only work after 9 pm
• $85.31       Biennial repaving of McClintock Ave.
• $77.43       Hound maintenance at Nikias’ presidential mansion
• $2.00         Max C.L. Nikias decoy
• $81.61       Industrial waste for use at dining halls
• $5,000.00  Sexual harassment lawsuit settlements
• $1.48         Team of lawyers to defend Trojan brand
• $18.98       Idling football team buses
• $90.99       Positive media spin on student deaths
• $77.29       Traveler’s blacksmith
• $9.28         Quidditch team travel fees
• $11.82       Trojan Vision subsidies
• $92.11       Library shushers*
• $91.22       Earthquake-proofing Leavey’s single book stack
• $5.52         Complimentary tequila shots for university administration at Traddy’s
• $99.14       Biological research on effects of “the Chano’s Diet”
• $82.19       Trapdoor outside Nikias’ Office for “annoying protesters”
• $8.19         Piranhas for said trapdoor (formerly Jabba the Hutt’s Rancor)
• $2.18         Paying off criminal investigations into Athletics Department
• $1.92         Paying off criminal investigations into Nikias’ private life and “oregano” farm
• $510.86     Subsidizing criminal investigations into Greek community
• $402.19     Live camera stream of Kaufman School of Dance (partially sponsored by Playboy)
• $19.00       Legal name change for C.L. Max Nikias to “Professor Doomsday”
• $91.07       Secret Lair beneath Professor Doomsday’s office
• $9,204.10  Special mechanics (weather controlling device, earthquake machine, popcorn maker, etc.)

*Funding shared with DPS get-off-your-bike-ers