LAPD Tickets Cyclists, Order Restored to City

by Tyler Pullen

Earlier today, as lawless cyclists rode rampant through the streets, specifically on Jefferson between Orchard and McClintock, heroic LAPD officers put their lives on their line to stop the deluge of crime and disorder.

Bravely leaping in front of the reckless two-wheeled maniacs, the police were clearly willing to sacrifice all in order to preserve the uniform social harmony typical of Los Angeles.

One of the officers had a brief moment for questioning afterwards, saying “Bikes were made for walking.”

“We’re just doin’ our job,” said another of the fearless men in uniform, who modestly preferred to remain anonymous.

The DPS officer stationed in the area at the time recalled the harrowing experience, “They… everywhere…they just came from everywhere… so many… so, so many!” The interview was cut short by paramedics, who made a field diagnosis on the officer of “chronic PTSD.”

Some of the older readers will remember the eerily similar Cyclist Riots of 2013, when approximately 8 bike-riders refused to walk their bike across Trousdale at 8 am, carelessly endangering the two pedestrians in the area at the time.

One student soberly recalled, “I’ll always remember exactly where I was and what I was doing on February 16, 2013.”

When prompted about the department’s rapid and valiant action to barely negate city-wide biker looting, police chief Arnie Flanders said “We have a moral and a professional responsibility to protect the people of this fine city, and I’ll be damned if we let some firebrands on bicycles take it over.”

“Cyclists have been terrorizing helpless motorists for years. It’s like they’re infuriated by our emissions!” commented one innocent driver of a Cadillac Escalade – one of the many innocent victims of the deranged bikers.

After the events today, two LAPD officers claim to have inspired everyone around the Campus Center to stand up and start clapping for them as they walked by on their way to a celebratory meal at Panda Express.

“Authentic Chinese food always tastes better after preventing chaos,” said one of the men.

The lunching officer continued, “It wasn’t easy what we did, but it was sure as hell easier than building another bike lane.”