USC to Discontinue Unprofitable Viterbi Division

by Tyler Pullen

USC–As a private university, USC’s primary source of funding is from donations from unusually wealthy alumni. Realizing this, USC’s Board of Trustees recently and sagaciously decided that they need to let go of Viterbi, which has proven to output only modestly successful adults.

“Sure – Viterbi graduates are all successful. But they’re not obscenely successful,” commented Victoria Howden, a USC trustee.

“No alum with an annual salary under a million even considers donating back to the school, and Viterbi is only producing people making several hundred thousand at best,” commented Francis Delworth, a prominent and longstanding member of USC’s board. “Though only a small portion of Marshall or Cinematic Arts graduates manage to even marginally succeed in life, a consistent 2% of them go on to earn enough for about 2 on-campus buildings.”

To gather more data, the Sack of Troy interviewed some of the more noteworthy Viterbi alumni. One of them – Geoffrey Tramsen, a computer science graduate from the class of 1973 – has this to say: “I’m very happy with my major and career choice. The work is constantly engaging and I’ve always had a modestly above average salary to support my reasonably-sized family.”

Another alum stated that he originally chose engineering because of its “job security” and “merely respectable pay rate,” both of which he found as a mechanical engineer.

“This is the problem with Viterbi,” Delworth responded. “We pour tons of money into it every year and all it promises us in return is genuinely content human beings who only make enough to support an upper-middle class lifestyle, not enough to donate any sizeable amount to this corporation-I mean school.”

Even as the era of recession has largely quelled, the university struggles to sustain itself. Especially after the recent destruction of the upscale consumer metropolis that was University Village, USC is in serious commercial trouble. The school is hoping this move will help them direct their resources to more promising areas, such as the famous USC tradition of producing stellar quarterbacks who guarantee to disappoint in the NFL.