The Sack Reviews: Interstellar

by I AM WHO I AM, a.k.a. God, a.k.a. Yahweh

When the Sack asked me to do a guest piece for this week’s issue, I was unsure what to write about. I’m too late to endorse the Green Party in this year’s midterm elections. I’m too early to predict who wins the Super Bowl. But my Mind was rested once I saw Interstellar this weekend. Freakin’ Interstellar. What the heck?

Do I need to say Spoiler Alert?

First off, the Dust everywhere. Been there, done that. Not a sustainable model for the apocalypse. That’s why I used the flood that one time (never again, I swear). Calm down, slick.

And the Blight; it kills all the crops or something? And corn is all that’s left. Do you realize that corn is probably what’s going to threaten your farming as you know it? What I mean is that 90% of human-grown corn is genetically engineered. That’s number seventeen on my list of things that will ruin you all. Your GE corn is bad news.

What’s all this about interdimensional beings, slick? I mean, sure somebody’s gotta put the wormhole there, but interdimensional beings? Just a slap in the face, really. I’m going to put this very clearly: I control wormholes. I’m God.

Just because you’re from the fifth dimension doesn’t mean you can push around black holes like checkers. That’s like saying because you’re from the third dimension means you can just go around making straight lines shorter or something. Wrong wrong wrong.

Let me just tell you, if I was going to save you all with some wormhole, I sure as heck wouldn’t land it near Saturn. That’s like telling a kid they can pass third grade, but only if they drive themselves to school to take their final exams. I mean, you’re having a crappy enough time between distance and budget cuts even getting to Mars.

Finally, I’m just gonna tell you right now, if you can travel back through a black hole, you can sure as hell make time go backwards. I say that because the former is even more impossible than the latter. I can’t even go through black holes. I’m God and I don’t even get near those things. Dark matter? That’s just where God doesn’t want to exist. Cause it’s just too dang close to those things.

Why did I invent those things? Jesus Christ, that was a terrible idea. Oh, hey son. Go back to what you were doing, I wasn’t calling y- yeah, I know I said your name, I was just mad so-, oh, yeah I’ll come tuck you in. Alright. Sorry, where was I? Oh geez, didn’t turn off Dragon voice for this paragraph. Oh well. Um, kinda lost my train of thought.

• Director: Does everyone know? I’m seriously curious if this guy is a household name. Someone please tell me.

• Runtime: 7yrs per hour

• Rated: PG-13 for “Put God in the movie next time-13”

• Sack Score: A thousand stars (as well as five planets and a black hole)

Article by Rob Smat