Student Surprised To Find Earth Still Spinning Following UCLA Loss

by Andy Gause

Trent Molina, a mixology Senior, woke up flabbergasted to find the world had not come to a violent end following the Trojan’s 38-20 loss to UCLA.  Despite initial drunken predictions of “it’s over” and “that’s it,” Mr. Molinda has found that time has in fact continued moving forward. Mr. Molina told reporters, “I thought a football game I had no control over would tear the ground beneath me asunder and render me nothing but a pile of dust. Turns out I was wrong.”

Mr. Molina was also pleasantly surprised that his frat brother’s promise to “blow his brains out” had not come to fruition. As of the time of this writing, what was left of the frat brother’s brains had not been splattered on Traddie’s walls.

Other unfulfilled promises include vows to castrate head coach Steve Sarkisian, put on pads to show the O-line how it’s done and totally bang that hot sideline announcer.  Moving forward, Mr. Molina plans to put his time and energy towards other goals, like eating a bomb-ass breakfast burrito and studying for finals.

Mr. Molina appears grateful that time and space haven’t been ripped apart by the team’s poor defensive effort, “Thankfully, the world hasn’t exploded…  Unless we lose to Notre Dame.”