Nikias Hosts Thanksgiving Dinner, Males Charged $5 for Entry

by Jori Barash

SAN MARINO, CA – In his annual tradition, USC president C.L. Max Nikias hosted a large Thanksgiving dinner for students tonight at his university-owned mansion. However, early yesterday morning, his office announced the event wouldn’t be accepting RSVP’s.

Instead, Mrs. Niki Nikias greeted students at the ‘babes’ and ‘bros’ entrances with a stamp and plastic collection bowl to let people in.

Students over 21 got their hand stamped, and caterers from USC Hospitality served them samples of EVK turkey, Jack Daniels pecan pie and pumpkin spice jungle drank.

Mr. Nikias apparently aimed to appeal to student sensibilities. Attendees were able “turn up to the delightful sounds of the Thornton Scholarship Quartet!” playing Blank Space on repeat.

The email hinted that the “$5.00 contribution for unlimited Thanksgiving festivities” might be excused for female students and a few friends of the president, but only if they brought 2-buck chuck.

DPS ended the dinner party around 8:30pm when breaking the wishbone got a little out of control.

At press time, Mr. Nikias made the youngest trustee wake up early to clean the lawn.