Oil Discovered Beneath Fluor Tower

by Susan Lin

Massive oil reserves discovered underneath USC’s Fluor Tower are suspected to be the real reason for the drop in oil prices.

The slick, black substance found under USC freshman housing has caused prices to depreciate all across southern California. After years of high prices, the current low is predicted to improve living standards in neighborhoods everywhere as well as disrupt talks about raising work wages. Although such effects have not been immediate, school administrators remain hopeful about the end of debates.

“We just want to help people,” said administrator Michael Exon. “It’s not about the money. Never.”

In addition, the University expressed interest in directing students in environmental studies away from studying prospective alternative energy sources and towards more petroleum-friendly solutions.

“There is no longer a need for alarm about fossil fuels,” said Exon. “We have plenty of oil at low prices now, and I know our students will figure out ways to use it.”