Topping Off $6 Billion Campaign, USC Sells Trousdale Parking Permits

by Mark Lee

Photo Credit: Eric Li

USC–As part of the university’s $6 billion capital fundraising campaign, President Max C. L. Nikias asked the USC Auto Club to find innovative ways to increase revenues from parking spaces. On-campus parking at the school’s parking structures is already “cramped” and a “rip-off,” admitted Nikias. Nikias tasked the USC Auto Club to find a new way to help students park their cars on campus and perhaps provide some kind of added value to the Trojan Experience.

The USC Auto Club agreed and obtained permission from the university to sell parking spaces along Trousdale.  The university launched weekend parking permits along Trousdale to test the concept, and see if it would be feasible for weekdays and the next school year.  Students were divided on the issue.

Sophomore Lamborghini Aventador driver Paul Stalker elaborated that opening up more parking spaces on campus allows him to park in a more secure area within USC boundaries, and that the central location on USC’s main road running through campus is the most secure part of campus as well.

“I don’t want to have to park my Lambo, or my Ferrari F430 out on the street where the poors can get to it,” Stalker added.

Freshman Letticia Orticia, who drives a Porsche Carrera S, added that the central location on Trousdale lets her “show how pretty [her] car is to [her] friends, especially that jealous skank Tracy.”

When asked what type of car she drove, Orticia said, “It’s a Porsche something, right? I don’t know. Daddy got it for me.”

Lowly pedestrian and senior mechanical engineering major, Van Diesel, is not so sure about the implications of having student parking all along USC’s largest road, which is mainly pedestrian.

“It’s not fair that people can park and take up all the space on Trousdale,” Diesel told the Sack of Troy.

Diesel is one of a few student leaders on campus rallying a cause in opposition to the new parking proposals. Using the slogan “Trou Fast, Trou Furious,” the cause poignantly highlights the potential dangerousness of driving fast cars down a largely pedestrian walkway, as well as how furious students are with the proposal.

“But think how nice it would be to be able to drive down Trousdale to get to class,” responded Stalker, “I always have to walk all the way down Trousdale to get from the accounting building to Taper, and it’s so, ugh, annoying. I feel like a peasant. Now I can just drive there to get to class! I won’t have to Uber there anymore!”

Due to the successful initial trial runs and test drives this past weekend, President Nikias is considering opening up the rest of the university’s excess spaces and roads as suitable parking spaces. Proposed new parking spaces include McCarthy Quad, Alumni Park, the track at Cromwell Field, the actual football field in the Coliseum, and the stage inside Bovard Auditorium.

Despite various complaints from students, faculty, and guests alike, President Nikias has decided to move forward with the measure. When asked more specifically about the complaints, Nikias promptly ignored any particular issues before quickly responding, “It’s what I do best,” under his breath as he rolled up the window on his tinted Rolls Royce Phantom and sped down Trousdale.