Banned From Drinking in the Locker Room, Sarkisian Plans on Drinking on the Sidelines

by Benji Stoll

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following Head Coach Steve Sarkisian’s embarrassing drunken episode at the Salute to Troy donor event on August 22nd, alcohol was banned in the USC football locker room. While USC Administration felt confident that this well thought out boundary would prevent further incident, this morning Sarkisian affirmed his stance that “drinking on the sidelines is still very much fair-game.”

“I mean, it’s drinking and football, they go perfectly together. Pat Haden told me no more alcohol inside, so I just brought it out to the sideline. Now it’s easier and within the rules.”

Following accusations that he had created a drinking culture at Washington and had brought that to USC, Sarkisian responded calmly, “I love cultures and drinking. Is that a bad thing?”

Sarkisian’s passion for drinking does not go unnoticed. In fact, numerous players have praised Sarkisian’s ability to shotgun a beer in less than a second and his extensive knowledge of Southern California wines.

His unwavering passion and determination is no surprise to most. It is certainly a big reason why USC is currently ranked as the number 6 team in the nation. “Drinking on the sidelines has certainly brought the team a lot closer. Whether it’s flip cup in between quarters or beer pong after touchdowns, we are a unified bunch,” declared Sarkisian as he downed a shot of fireball and yelled an obscenity.

In addition to making the team unified, Sarkisian said that drinking on the sidelines has made players and coaches much more confident in decision making. “Do I want a quarterback who is sober, boring, and typical or do I want one who is drunk, confident, and exciting like Cody? The answer is obvious to me.”

Many noticed Cody Kessler’s confidence in the game against Idaho, where he only threw with his off-hand and at one point attempted to climb the uprights “because it looked awesome and I was wasted,” said Kessler.

The USC administration has yet to comment on the recent developments, but have said that drinking on the sidelines is indeed very much within the rules.