Sarkisian, “You’re Terminated”

by Staff

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA–After two full days of suspension, Steve Sarkisian failed to gain another win for USC football, and was thusly terminated.

Upon hearing the news, Sark muttered, “I need a drink.”

This morning Sark checked himself in for therapy, where he’ll see some familiar faces since 80,000 new patients were just admitted last Thursday night wearing cardinal and gold.

“Maybe my personal problems did cause that one dropped interception,” regrets Sark.

Clay Helton took the reins as interim head coach for the second time in his career.

“Maybe they’ll actually make me head coach this time!” exclaimed Helton.

Coach O chuckles softly as a single tear rolls down his face.