Arizona Preschool Introduces Mandatory Open Carry for Students

by Jacob Emerson

TUCSON, AZ–In the wake of a string of violent school shootings in the past few weeks, an Arizona preschool introduced a new rule requiring all students to carry a handgun with them to class.

This policy comes after a petition was circulated by a group of opinionated parents calling for increased access to firearms for their children. Susie Brownser, president of the Helicopter Moms, wrote in the petition’s preamble that a “.22 firearm is perfect for the toddlers, as they can hold it steady with minimum recoil.”

A number of parents echoed this sentiment, while adding on the proposal for teachers to carry assault rifles in the classrooms. This policy is the only way to stop harm from befalling their children.

Kindergarten teacher Natalie Johnson defended the move by stating, “the only thing that will stop a bad man with a gun in a kindergarten, is a good kid with a firearm in kindergarten.”

Students will take the required training courses, “Gun Handling Symposium” and “Point and Shoot Techniques,” just after lunch at 12:30 and once again at 2:15, directly following nap time.

The NRA praised the school’s new policy by calling it “sensible” and introducing a new slogan aimed at helping the preschoolers: “If you see a stranger up ahead, pump that sucker full of lead.”