Nikias’ ‘State of the University’ Speech Includes Diversity and Too Many References to Killing Bin Laden

by Rob Smat

photo by Gus Ruelas

TOWN AND GOWN — President Nikias gave a bold speech in his annual State of the University address this past week. His largest platform was diversity: “We must be a more diverse campus,” noted Nikias, “Lest we fall into the disparity of USC circa 2006.”

He added, “Not to mention in 2011, when I killed Bin Laden.”

This claim elicited some confusion from the attendees, who were comprised of 64% teaching faculty and 98% suck-ups. However, Nikias was quick to resume his planned praise of an assortment of honorees, followed up by a short Q&A session.

When asked what he planned to do to further the cause of diversity on campus, Nikias noted with a sly smirk, “Why don’t you ask Bin Laden?”

Nikias was asked about wage disparity of USC workers, and was further grilled on his role in the new college football playoff committee. His reply to both of these topics, as well as every other question in the session was “Hasta la vista, Osama Bin Laden.”

At the end of the event, Nikias made one final push for his diversity cause: “I truly believe that we as a community can fix the ills of society and do what is right, and most importantly, kick Al Qaeda’s collective terrorist ass.”