Atheist Vegan Crossfitter Returning from Coachella Overwhelmed by What to Talk About First

by Kim Rogers and Jack Hackett

photo by Popsugar

LOS ANGELES, CA — Still wearing her flower crown from the night before, junior Willow Matthews returned from Weekend 2 of Coachella, wide-eyed and twitching, before a concerned group of friends this afternoon. As a crossfitter, vegan, and atheist, Matthews would often let you know she was a crossfitter, vegan, and atheist, but after Coachella, she didn’t know what to tell first.

“Guns and Roses…deadlifting…paleo…ORGANIZED RELIGION IS A LIE!” Mathews screamed before collapsing into seizure while mumbling an incoherent string of vegan buzzwords.

“We asked her how her weekend went, and she just shut down. It was like her brain overloaded. Kind of like my macro overload after that killer workout this morning,” remarked Tyler Kirkland, a fellow crossfitter.

Afraid she’d shut down for good, Matthews’ friend Kelly Winters called paramedics.

“When they went to cut off her Coachella bracelet for the IV, her eyes rolled back into her head and she started clawing at them until they left it on. And she’s very passionate about pacifism!” yelled Winters.

Matthews is currently in intensive care at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. She’ll recover in two to three days with a story she’ll have to tell everyone about.