Student Can’t Decide If He’ll Intern at Father’s Company or Do Some Volunteer Bullshit This Summer

by Mimi Evans

LOS ANGELES, CA­ — Sophomore Paul Sterry was at Chipotle late Wednesday night in hopes of solidifying his summer plans. Paul had a pretty sweet opportunity lined up: a paid internship position as a Marketing Coordinator.

While an official offer had not been made yet, Paul seemed pretty confident about his chances: “I just had a good feeling when I walked in, you know? The interviewer said he saw a lot of himself in me, which is probably good because he’s my dad.”

But Paul was quick to dismiss the idea that he would get in based solely on personal connections: “It was a rigorous application process. My interview had 18 rounds total. I double-bogeyed on the last one, but my dad’s coworkers were still impressed.”

While the paid internship offer was tempting, Paul was also very interested in a community service opportunity. He was looking into a “White Guilt Trip” to Guatemala, which promises students the opportunity to make an incredible impact for the low cost of $3,999, plus airfare.

Paul explained that he always had a special interest in doing some volunteer bullshit in the Central American region: “At first I was going to go to Mexico because I love barbacoa, but then I saw my friend’s Instagram in front of an old Mayan temple with three Guatemalan kids. Well, I’m going to get the same picture but with five brown kids and a llama. Then we’ll see who’s more culturally aware.”

Paul lamented over the tough decision he would have to make. Both opportunities would require him to stay sober for up to 8-hour stretches of time.

Ultimately, in a flash of indigestion, Paul decided he would go to Guatemala and save the world, one condescending Facebook post at a time: “I know there’s more crime and brown people there, but I’m confident I can survive. After all, I’ve lived in South Central for two years.”