Area Woman Threatens to Deactivate Facebook, Spends Next Five Hours Responding to Comments

by Kitty Guo

LOS ANGELES, CA — On Sunday at precisely 8:58 p.m., local woman Caroline McNeil posted this cryptic message to her Facebook account: “deleting fb bye.”

Comments from concerned friends and family members began trickling in shortly after, to which McNeil took the time to craft thoughtful, individualized responses.

To her college roommate’s perfunctory “what’s wrong?” McNeil responded, “Too much drama. I’m just soooo sick of it all.”

Five hours later, McNeil showed no signs of deleting her Facebook account. Instead, she continued carrying on conversations with anyone who bothered to acknowledge this as-of-yet fictitious development in her life.  

When an aunt she hadn’t seen in years, remarked, “Hi dear, hope everything is going well, Timmy and Lizzy say hi!” McNeil replied, “Thanks Aunt Kristen, everything is not going well. I’m just tired of bitches talking behind my back all the time. Like, if you have a problem with me, say it to my face, you know? They’re just sooo petty and immature if they think they can bring me down with their lies. Anyways, how are you? How is Uncle Jeff? Have you finished renovating your kitchen yet? I miss Timmy and Lizzy, tell them I said hi too!”

At press time, McNeil posted another status update declaring that she was “just kidding” and she simply “wanted to see who cared.”