New Poll Conducted by the Cool Kids Concludes That I’m Gay

by Ethan Thomson

According to a new poll conducted by the cool kids at New Summit Middle School, I am definitely gay. A shocking 100% of the cool student body took part in the poll, unanimously concluding my apparent homosexuality.

“You’re gay,” accused Mikey McCormick, the coolest kid in school, upon seeing me any time, anywhere.

According to McCormick, who claims to have touched at least three boobs, the primary findings for my gayness were my “gay face” and the fact that, when he said “gay boy say what” too quickly for me to understand, I said “what,” thus verifying me as gay.

Conducted at the popular kids table, where I am not allowed to sit, the polling process took the entire lunch period.

“You’re a grown ass gay!” claimed five or six eighth graders upon seeing me walk to the bus.

Of the 17 cool kids polled, approximately 40% said that I am gay, 30% said that I am Super Gay and the remaining 30% said that I am Lord MegaGay: The Gayest Boy in All the Land.

I am unsure what this information will be used for, although Cindy Jones, the most popular girl in school, thinks it should be used for determining who gets invited to Jacob Goldman’s Bar Mitzvah next month. I will not be in attendance.