Friend Seeks Conversational Entry to Talk About Own Summer Without Seeming Like a Dick

by Chai Karve

CAMPUS CENTER – Logan Fitz had a dope summer. Like, seriously. He traveled, interned at an investment bank, and had multiple Instagram-able moments every-GD-day. When his friend group gathered to catch up at Campus Center, Fitz debated how to insert talk of his summer into the organic conversation without coming off as a complete douchenozzle.

Fitz spent the better part of the 35 minutes attempting to initiate a topic that would shepherd a discussion on everyone’s summer. He sensed a golden opportunity when friend Dan Lovitz mentioned how hot it was and swooped in.

“Hot? You know when else it was hot? All summer,” posited Fitz.

The desperate attempt was met with resounding silence, and the group quickly moved on. After cursing himself out, Fitz vowed to try again, without appearing to be a dictatorial gloat.

Lovitz was unamused. “We know what exactly what he did this summer. We don’t need him to recount it by pulling up his Instagram to show us the pictures he ‘didn’t post’. Chill, dude.”

Friend Hila Klein noticed Fitz’s antsy behavior too. “It’s not a competition. That’s why none of us go into too much detail about our summers. We’re at school now. Shut up.”

At last he could take it no more. Rising, Fitz erupted into a volcano of braggadocious bluster about his bitchin’ summer. After speaking uninterrupted for 4 minutes and 23 seconds, he got it all out of his system, and boy did it feel good. Fitz may no longer have friends, but his ex-friends and passersby at Campus Center know a heck of a lot about his summer.