Nikias Beats Out Another 20 Million Dollar Donation From Billionaire Alum

by Joey Rayburn

SAN MARINO, CA – After being shortchanged one too many times, USC president C.L. Max Nikias took matters into his own hands Thursday night. Nikias eked out another generous $20 million donation from an alumnus with only his Corleone disposition and his SC-emblazoned brass knuckles.

Martin Redmond, who received his bachelor’s in business administration from USC in 1992, has made quite a name for himself since graduating. Despite his success, he only rarely gave money back to the place that had, in Nikias’ words, “made him the man he is today.”

In an attempt to get his rightful slice of Redmond’s wealth, Nikias invited the cheapskate alum to his San Marino home for “dinner.” While their meeting was cordial at first, it only took a whiff of rejection to send Nikias on a rampage.

After strapping Redmond to a steel folding chair, Nikias slid on his Trojans-branded brass knuckles and mercilessly beat the man. “What’s wrong, Martin? Isn’t this what you wanted,” Nikias asked. “What else am I supposed to think you want with you disrespectin’ me?”

The scene was vicious. Nikias continued to torture Redmond despite his promises to donate $5 million. “There’s only two things that don’t cash at the Bank of Nikias! That’s bounced checks and promises, you sack of shit!” With each punch across his weak jawline, Nikias pushed Redmond, claiming he “didn’t care about the Family,” and preferred to spend his money on “another ugly fucking house in Aspen.”

By the end of the arduous two hour beat down session, Redmond, fading in and out of consciousness, wrote a check for $20 million. Nikias left the scene prideful, but not before he threw a towel at Redmond, telling him, “Clean yourself up. You look like shit.”