Freshman Tells Herself There’s Always Grad School to Get Rejected by Stanford Again

by Ryan Zubery

BERKELEY, CA — Thinking back to March when she got the thin envelope from her dream school, freshman Natasha Leblanc keeps reminding herself that “there’s always grad school to get rejected by Stanford again.”

“Look, I’m just gonna absolutely kill my undergrad so they can’t not notice me,” said Leblanc. “Then they’ll have to pay attention to my grad school application for a hot second before they dunk it into the trash to make room for some wonder child.”

When asked why Stanford’s graduate school admissions would be any different, Leblanc replied, “Well, everyone knows that undergrad admissions to Stanford is like a lottery. Grad school there, on the other hand, is like a completely separate raffle that I’m also fated to lose.”

“Like, they always say that there wasn’t room for you because of a lot of strong candidates, but everyone knows that grad school admissions is much more strictly meritocratic, while undergrad is a lot more skewed for diversity,” Leblanc continued, as if she wasn’t fully aware that those strong candidates, minorities or otherwise, would be able to edge her out again in four years’ time.

When asked if she had any regrets about not going to her dream school for her undergraduate degree, Leblanc replied, “Oh, not at all. Besides, everyone knows that grad school is the one that really matters, so when I inevitably get rejected again, it’ll be an even more soul crushing indictment of my self-worth.”

“Oh, I can already see it now,” Leblanc said, gently closing her eyes and rocking side to side slowly. “I’m gonna get that letter and it’s gonna start with the sweetest five words in the English language: ‘We regret to inform you…’”