These Horoscopes Are So Accurate it’s Scary!

by Ethan Thomson

Aries: Someone from your work is going to ask you on a date. But it’s not the hot guy in marketing with the good jaw, it’s the guy in HR that smells like cup noodle literally all the time.

Pisces: Someone from your past is going to come back into your life in a big way! Even though you moved three times! And changed your number! And got a restraining order! They still found you! They’re coming! Run!

Sagittarius: More like VAGittarius this week, bro. Shit, maybe sag-clittarius? No, no that sounds gross. Vag-clittarius? Is that too much? Vagittarius. Rolls off the tongue more. The point is you’re getting laid.  

Taurus: The gun is in a briefcase buried in the north-west corner of Central Park. You will be texted coordinates. Once you dig up the briefcase you will see there is also a piece of paper with an address on it. It’s the address of the 2000 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards host Frankie Muniz. You need to kill Frankie Muniz.

Cancer: You have it.

Gemini: Quick! Frankie Muniz is in trouble! There’s no time, go save two-time Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award winner Frankie Muniz!

Leo: Don’t do it, Leo. I know what you’re thinking and don’t you do it, you sick fuck.

Capricorn: Whoops! The neighbor saw you peeping at them in the shower last night! Time to move again.

Virgo: You’re gonna want to get out of your house in like 5… 4… 3… 2…

Scorpio: Go home, Scorpio. Your family misses you. Please, just go home. It’s been six weeks, Scorpio, you can’t stay in this Dave and Buster’s forever.