Shocker: This Republican Congressman Has a Normal Sex Life

by Nolan Jones

WASHINGTON– In a press conference last Thursday, Congressman Larry Johnson (R-MN) shocked the nation by announcing that he has a completely normal sex life.

Johnson told reporters, “My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 20 years. We’ve been through some good times and bad times, but I’ve never had to pressure a mistress of mine into having an abortion.  I’ve haven’t even been involved with another woman since I met my wife in 1994!”

“Although let’s just say I really like the first Transformers movie, you know, the one with Megan Fox in it,” Johnson added with a chuckle.

Independent investigation by the Sack has confirmed that Johnson, in spite of his staunch opposition to same-sex marriage, has never solicited another man for gay sex in a Minneapolis airport restroom. And though Johnson was one of the 177 congressmen who voted against the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2008, a bill intended to fight wage discrimination in the workplace, no sexual harassment complaints have been lodged against the congressman or any of his staff.

Johnson finished by calling out impropriety on the other side of the aisle. “Constituents interested in contacting me can reach me by email or Twitter direct message. Should they choose the latter method, it is safe to say that they will not receive any nude photos of me, even if they’re underage.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, during a press conference about former Congressman Anthony Weiner’s sentencing on federal sex crime charges, responded to Johnson’s comments by saying, “As much as it pains me to say it, Congressman Johnson seems to be as vanilla as they come.  But he’s still probably a racist or something.”