Billy Joel’s Bar Mitzvah Solidifies His Transition from Piano Boy to Piano Man

by Joey Rayburn

LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK — He might not have started the fire, but Billy Joel is finally about to become a man.

After achieving international success with chart-topping hits like “Uptown Girl” and “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me,” Joel will finally earn the title of Piano Man at his upcoming bar mitzvah.

“I’ve put it off long enough: it’s high time I get called up to the Torah and say the haftarah,” Joel exclaimed as he prepared for the festivities at the Oyster Bay Jewish Center. “Here’s hoping I don’t trip over a word,” Joel said. “That’d make the day a real “River of Nightmares,” let me tell you!”

The ceremony has quite the guest list, with fellow music icons including James Taylor, Linda Ronstadt, Garth Brooks, and Tony Bennett scoring an invitation. Elton John is also expected to be making an appearance, though the day will be anything but special for him.

“It doesn’t make any bloody sense! Why does he get to be the ‘Piano Man,’” John barked. “Oh, he wrote a song saying he was? Well, I wrote ‘Crocodile Rock,’ and you don’t see me claiming to be the ‘King of the Crocs!’”

Despite John’s contempt, Joel doesn’t plan on letting anything ruin his big night. “Hey, at the end of the day, this is about one thing and one thing only: taking ownership of my heritage and feeling a deep connection to those who came before me,” Joel explained. After a slight pause, he did make a brief addition: “Also, I get to piss off Elton, which is nice.”

Joel’s ceremony will take place next Sunday, and it’s safe to say that even if he tanks it, everyone here at the Sack of Troy will love him just the way he is.