Report: Jessica Is, Like, Sooooo Drunk

by Veronica Marks

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a study confirmed by experts, researchers, and eyewitnesses, Jessica, a 19-year-old sophomore at the University of Southern California, has been found to be, “like, sooooo drunk.”

“I’m, like, totally sloshed right now,” said Jessica, swaying back and forth while putting her hands on various people’s shoulders. “Just, like, suuuuper gone.”

According to reliable sources, Jessica became “sloshed” at a house party thrown by friends Chris and Jenny. The party apparently had lots of “alc” as well as “draaank.”

“Dude, Jessica is, like, shwaaasted,” Chris affirmed. “It’s craaazy.”

None of the party guests could reach a consensus on the amount of “draaank” Jessica had consumed. Some attributed her “lit” behavior to several shots of tequila, while others reported she had mixed beer and vodka.

“Fam, she might be crossed, honestly,” added Jenny. “I think I saw her take some hits from Anna’s bong, which would be, like, nuuuuts.”

Despite the lack of agreement on Jessica’s consumption, party attendees all concurred that she was “littt.”

“I mean, she’s dancing on the table, punching people in the face, and I think she took a dump on the ground,” shouted fellow party guest Mike. “It’s, like, awesome.”

All of the attendees agreed that Jessica “is totally gonna hate checking Snapchat tomorrow.”