Opinion: I Don’t Like it When You Call Me ‘Big Poppa’

by Ethan Thomson

To all the ladies in the place with style and grace, please allow me to make one request: Stop calling me ‘Big Poppa.’ Please, please stop calling me Big Poppa. I don’t like it when you call me Big Poppa.

Everyday, no matter where I go, people keep calling me Big Poppa. I don’t know why they do it, but I want it to stop. Throw your hands in the air, if you’re a true player. A ‘true player,’ of course, is someone who wouldn’t call me Big Poppa. All fake players please hear these reasons for my request:

Firstly, I am very self conscious about my weight and calling me Big Poppa makes me feel like I have gained a few pounds. Big how? Specify. Secondly, I am not a father, nor am I a grandfather, making me unfit for either of the most popular associations with the word ‘poppa.’ Thirdly, and most importantly, I just simply don’t like it when you call me Big Poppa.

Now, to all the hunnies getting money playing me like a dummy, I don’t like it when you call me Big Poppa, either. Stop calling me Big Poppa. It makes me feel cheap, frankly.

Straight up, honey. Really, I’m askin’ you to please stop calling me Big Poppa. It’s creepy. What, I’m your big, fat, sexy poppa now? You perverted, incestuous monster. I can’t see any ladies tonight that should be having my baby, because they’re all calling me Big Poppa and I fucking hate that.

I’m a small, white man with no children who just wants to be called by the name I was given, Gaylord Abernathy.