Report: EVKitty Now Bullying Transfer Students for Swipes
by Dan Toomey
With a shocking change of character, the once-cuddly, beloved EVKitty is now intimidating transfer students for meal swipes.
Incidents were first reported when the feline returned from winter break, muscled up and determined to make up from missing out on nearly a month’s worth of free meals. The swole feline came into the spring semester equipped with impressive pectorals and tribal sleeve tattoos, making it clear he wasn’t going to let another plate of mediocre pizza or questionable beef stroganoff slip away.
Transfer classmates, believing EVKitty to be the friendly creature raved about by returning USC students, were shocked upon their first encounter. Unsuspecting newbies often approached the cat expecting a leg-snuggle or playful walk across their keyboard. To their surprise, he instead would stand on his hind legs, grab them by the shirt collar, and demand that they swipe him in for a full meal at Everybody’s Kitchen.
“I froze. I didn’t know what to do,” exclaimed Tyler Gronsberg, a timid, shaking transfer student from George Mason University. “He told me that if I didn’t swipe him he would shove my head in the toilet and make me recite the Trojan Fight song. I just got here! I barely know what that is!”
EVKitty soon expanded his reach to the Parkside and Village dining halls, as well as Moreton Fig when tracking down transfers with particularly weak characters and rich parents.
“You can sniff it out,” explained EVKitty, whose ability to speak fluent English was accumulated over months of mooching leftover cereal from study groups and gossiping sorority girls.
“My favorites are the ones who concede immediately. It’s a simpler process that way: I tell them swipe me in. They say no. I call them a lil’ bitch. Soon enough, I’m eating like Max Nikias is having Thanksgiving Dinner all over again.”
DPS has been notified of the cat’s antics, but has done little in retaliation, citing “his deep, gravelly voice” and “those traps.”
It is unclear just about how many swipes the muscley feline has accumulated over this semester from transfer students. In speculation, EVKitty put down his cigarette, released a hearty, billowing laugh, and calculated “around 2,300, not counting the times I’ve used them just to get one of those crappy apples to throw at kids.”
Regarding his long-term goals behind the bullying, the now infamous cat answered: “I’m about to eat until people think I’m having kittens. That way I’ll get some sympathy swipes from old customers.”
