Quiz: Is He Into You or Does He Want to Kill You and Your Siblings To Get His Hands on the Baudelaire Fortune?

by Drew Thomas-Nathan

Finding a good man is difficult, especially when it has been highly publicized that your parents perished in a fire (“perished” means “killed”), leaving you, your little brother and your baby sister next in line to inherit your dead parents’ tremendous fortune. With so many potential suitors, how do you know if you’ve found a real Prince Charming or a homicidal gold digger named Count Olaf?

Is he a struggling actor or does he have a real job?

Real job.

Oh boy. He’s an actor, and he’s terrible!

Correct!

Wrong!

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Do you notice him paying extra attention to hygiene when he’s around you?

Yes, he even gives me moisturizer recommendations.

Ew, no. He always has dirty nails, and his monobrow is never on fleek!

Correct!

Wrong!

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Does he surround himself with supportive friends and healthy relationships?

Yeah, I’ve met his friends and they’re all nice fellows.

His only “friends” are his theater troupe, but they’re more like his oddball henchmen with various deformities.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Would he ever do something to prove his devotion, like get a tattoo of your name?

How did you know? (I have one of his name as well.)

No, but he’s got a mysterious symbol tattooed on his ankle.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Is he comfortable enough around you to show off his vocal chords (even if he’s no Neil Patrick Harris)?

We jam out to R&B classics in his 1964 Ford Mustang.

He sings, but typically in fully choreographed musical numbers about himself.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Does he have you call him “Daddy” or “Father?”

Daddy

Father, because he was technically my legal guardian for a minute.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Does he ever hint at a more substantial backstory or a history with your late parents?

Um, no.

Yes! It’s an eerily common occurrence. (“Occurrence” means “incident or event”)

Correct!

Wrong!

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How would he most likely react if you broke up?

He’d move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

He’d probably get in costume, put on a bad accent, and pursue my family wherever we may go.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Does he show any violent or criminal tendencies?

Naw, nothing to worry about there.

He struck my little brother across the face in what was honestly an uncomfortably dark way to end a children’s TV pilot.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Has he ever seemed eager to rush into marriage with you, possibly because a legal loophole would allow your spouse to access your inheritance should a horrific accident befall you?

We’re moving at a good pace.

He tried that exact scheme! He even kidnapped my baby sister as blackmail, and he put on a whole fake play with a real judge and a real marital contract. He’s insane!

Correct!

Wrong!

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All the adults in the room say he’s not Count Olaf. Is he Count Olaf?

No, he couldn’t look less like Count Olaf.

YES! That’s Count Olaf! Are they blind!?

Correct!

Wrong!

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Quiz: Is He Into You or Does He Want to Kill You and Your Siblings To Get His Hands on the Baudelaire Fortune? %%personality%%

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