Report: Guys, Elvis JUST Died. Seriously. He Died TODAY.

by Joey Rayburn

BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA – Elvis Presley, the international superstar best known by his moniker “The King of Rock and Roll,” died today. No, you don’t need a new pair of glasses. You read that right. Elvis died… today!

Look, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just telling you what’s coming in over the wire, and what’s coming in is that we’re a bunch of dumbbells who all believed the same lie for forty-two years!

We were all a bunch of chumps thinking that Elvis died on the ivory throne back in ’77. Elvis saw “Blade Runner,” for Pete’s sake! That’s not speculation, either! In the statement announcing his death, Elvis’s estate went out of their way to let us know that Elvis saw Ridley Scott’s 1982 sci-fi classic “Blade Runner.” Here, read it for yourself!

“Jeremiah Constance Presley, previously known as Elvis Presley, died in his sleep last night in Buenos Aires, Argentina. He was 84. He also saw “Blade Runner” on TNT about a decade ago. The Presley Family thanks the public for its respect during this time.”

What version of “Blade Runner” did Elvis watch? Did he see “The Final Cut?” That has to be the case, right? Because if you haven’t seen “The Final Cut,” then, frankly, you haven’t seen “Blade Runner!” Also, he changed his name to Jeremiah? What?

I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies. I used to tell my aunt she was a moron for believing Elvis was still up and kicking. She died two years ago. She died before Elvis. She died before I could tell her that I’m sorry.

Guys, I’ve – I’ve got to go handle some stuff. Just… Elvis is dead. I mean, that’s not any news. He died today, though. That’s the… you get it.