Upstart Candidate Clillary Hinton Joins Democratic Race

by Gia King

Just as things are beginning to heat up in the race for the Democratic nomination, an already-crowded field now has to make room for one more. New candidate Clillary Hinton has announced her bid for the nomination, a highly-intriguing move for the relatively unknown candidate.

In a press conference held earlier today, Hinton appeared in a large trench coat, bowler hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a hushed, gruff tone at the podium while avoiding eye contact with all welcomed press personnel. When asked to speak on her political experience, Hinton appeared to sweat profusely, pulling at her collar and muttering about how she “hadn’t thought about that.” 

The announcement comes ahead of the all-important Super Tuesday, a make-it-or-break-it moment for many presidential campaigns. Hinton assured voters that despite her “past performance, I mean, uh, what performance?” things would be “different this time.” When asked to elaborate, Hinton turned to a nearby reporter and pulled down her glasses, winking theatrically, before diving off-stage and exiting the venue.

Though attempts to delve into Clillary Hinton’s political past or general background have proved as-of-yet futile, eyewitness reports claiming to see Hinton leaving the conference hurriedly in a van plastered with ‘I’m Still With Her’ bumper stickers have cast doubts on the legitimacy of the candidate’s campaign. Nearly all other democratic candidates have declined to comment on their new opponent, though frontrunner Bernie Sanders, when informed of the announcement, reportedly chuckled before replying, “not this time.”