Company Gives Prospective Intern Choice to Absolutely Fucking Humiliate Himself on Phone or In Person

by Keith Herrmann

LOS ANGELES, CA – Telling the student to “pick his poison,” a local company offered a prospective summer intern the opportunity to utterly embarrass himself on the phone or in person, sources confirmed Monday. “We get that students often have unforgiving schedules, which is why it’s fine by us if they choose to stumble on their words, give thoughtless responses, and generally make fools of themselves via a phone interview or at our offices,” said Brad Prachett, a hiring manager at a technology start-up in Downtown Los Angeles.

“It’s a tough choice, but it’s also one of the ways we get to judge these students better,” said Prachett, noting that a decision as simple as choosing an interview method would reveal whether the student was a lazy, impassive slob too lazy to even commute to their physical offices or an awkward, overeager try-hard whose unprofessionalism would put a damper on the company’s reputation. “Sure, it’s fun to watch students hurriedly run around their apartment building in a vain attempt to get a better connection, but phone interviews lack the simple pleasure of watching someone squirm in a purposely uncomfortable seat as they anxiously try to find something to do with their hands.” Prachett offered the interview to the student, a Viterbi junior, last Wednesday, ominously noting that his choice of interview method didn’t “matter either way.”

While admitting that “squeezing every last drop of hope” out of “those little shits” was the highlight of his job, Brad remains sympathetic for prospective interns. “I was an intern once, too, and I only made it out alive because I wasn’t some drooling, slack-brained, marble-mouthed idiot with no interesting anecdotes and an utterly disastrous handle on human communication. So long as this interviewee does none of those things, I’d say there’s a rock-solid 5% chance this gig is his.”

At time of posting, sources confirmed that Prachett had decided to pass on the student, having promised his mother-in-law that he would find a summer job for her sister’s friend’s nephew.