New Netflix Dating Show Literally Just Locking Two Horses in a Barn and Swallowing the Key

By Drew Thomas-Nathan

LOS GATOS, CA — Have you already binged Too Hot to Handle and Love Is Blind? Want another binge-able reality show about love and sex? Well you’re in luck, you selfish pig! Netflix just announced their next reality dating show that’s literally just two horses left alone in a barn: Love Domesticated.

The show has a simple premise: take two stallions of healthy, majestic stock into an old barn. Lock the barn door, swallow the key, and watch what happens on more than seventy hidden night vision cameras. Who knows what will happen next? Whatever unpredictable events these circumstances produce, the cameras – and ergo you – will be there for all of it.

But look, a twist! There’s a prize ($500 cash!) that the two soft, athletic stallions can win if they actually take time to know each other on a deeper level. Throughout the season, these silky-haired creatures will be offered bonding activities like game nights and yoga, but they can always say “neigh.” Will these untamed ungulates triumph or will they just shag continuously like the savage horny beasts they are?

As viewers watch the two beautiful, toned horses’ romance unfold, they will be treated to commentary by an omniscient ADR narrator. Said narrator will make snide comments jabbing at the equines’ foibles at every chance she gets, landing zingers like “You sure that’s a horse? Because he looks like ASS!” and “Wow! Can’t believe these slutty sexy horses are having slutty horse sex. Winny!” Yes, the narrator says the word “winny,” keep up!

Now is a particularly good time to release Love Domesticated, according to Netflix Original Programming VP Cindy Markus. “The horses are trapped in the barn, just like how we’re all trapped in quarantine,” she said, before lingering her gaze on the leaves swaying outside her window.

Markus also said she hopes Love Domesticated can get the attention of social media. “Yeah, it’s reality TV, but we want to raise questions, you know? We hope viewers ask themselves, ‘What would I do if I was trapped in a barn with a horse and I was also a horse?’”