Impatient Donald Trump Attempts to Schedule Summit with Coronavirus

by JT Tomlinson

WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump has officially declared plans to schedule a leadership summit with the novel coronavirus, the White House announced Wednesday afternoon.

“We’re going to hold a summit,” the president stated, in a characteristically spontaneous press conference. “We’re going to make it huge and awesome. And it’s going to do huge, awesome things for the American people.”

Trump was sharp in his criticism of the coronavirus, stating that “Right off the bat – get it, everyone? Bat? Make sure the American people know I said that. They’re very fond of my wit. Anyway, we’re going to go into a room together and I can promise you that the United States of America will emerge victorious.”

Known officially as SARS-CoV-2, the coronavirus in most instances infects patients with the disease COVID-19, which has to date led to over 400,000 fatal cases worldwide. The president was quick to emphasize that more than one-fourth of fatal COVID-19 cases have taken place in the United States, saying that “our numbers will always be the biggest because we are the greatest and best country in the world.”

Trump’s press statement this afternoon comes after he tweeted earlier in the week that “LITTLE RONA’S actions so far have been UNACCEPTABLE,” saying the virus “has cost us BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars as a nation.” The president says he plans to make the virus shoulder the financial burden of developing a vaccine. “There will be a vaccine, and I guarantee that we’re going to make this virus pay for it. And I’m not opposed to raising import and export taxes, potentially even to the point of an embargo. This is what we’re dealing with here. It’s that big.”

Trump also tweeted:

Going into the weekend, Trump exuded confidence in his plan to rectify the pandemic. “I’m much taller than Little Rona is, and he knows that. By the way, does ‘Little Rona’ sound good to you guys? I was thinking about trying to do something with ‘COVID,’ maybe ‘SCHMO-VID’ or ‘BLOW-VID,’ or something like that. Anyway, I think when SCHMO-VID sees me towering over him in our little get-together that he’ll be quick to meet our demands.”

“It’s ‘SCHMO-VID.’ I’m going with ‘SCHMO-VID.’”