United States Offers Financial Relief to Help Struggling Parent Companies Feed Their Subsidiaries

By Drew Thomas-Nathan

WASHINGTON D.C. — In the middle of an economic crisis caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, the United States government announced it would be rushing financial aid to those who need it most: international corporations.

Secretary of Treasury Steven Mnuchin said that the focus of the newest set of loans would be the large conglomerates, like Time Warner and PepsiCo, that own all the other big companies in their field. “Some of these companies own more than eleven different subsidiaries,” said Mnuchin. “That’s a lot of hungry shareholders to feed.”

Small Glendale flower shop owner Linda Hanada says she understands the government’s decision. “Those smart capitalists deserve it,” she said. “They have so many employees across their business empires to take care of. I just have a wheelchair-bound husband, our two kids we’re putting through college, and my mother whose premiums just went up thanks to her leukemia diagnosis.”

Bob Chapek, CEO of The Walt Disney Company, promised he wouldn’t waste the government’s small loan of $100 million. “I learned my lesson when I had a boring meeting with some theater geek named Linda Manual-something and I threw $75 million cash at him to shut up,” he said. “I thought I’d lost $75 million, but luckily Hamilton came out on Disney Plus a few months later. That’s business baby.”

The government is also considering a “tough love” law to protect executives who bless their ungrateful employees with high-risk, minimum wage jobs in the middle of a pandemic from future legal action.