National Association of Fourth Graders Recommends Schools Remain Closed in Fall

By JT Tomlinson

NEW YORK, NY — The National Association of Fourth Graders recommended Friday afternoon that all public and private educational institutions remain closed for the fall semester due to the “COVID thingie.”

The announcement comes two weeks after the Fourth Graders rolled their eyes and said they would “think about it.”

Association spokesman Jason L., in a statement given to the press, said through a mouthful of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos that returning to classrooms was simply not something the organization could advise, given the current state of the nation. “The country is like super messed up right now,” said Jason L., “and everything is totally crazy.”

In response to parents’ complaints about the difficult and impersonal nature of online learning, the Association conducted a study about the benefits of teaching methods, or, as they call it, “having school on the computer.”

Per the study, having school on the computer is not only “literally a million times more productive,” but also “super fun, which is what teachers want, right?”

“And if they don’t, they’re stupid anyways,” said Jason L.

“Yeah!” emphasized Noah P., the Association’s acting secretary.

The study ranked school on the computer as the preferred choice of the fourth graders, though “school exploding and then no more school forever” was a close runner-up.

In a separate and conflicting statement, NAFG Deputy Director Corey claimed he and his classmates, as well as fourth graders around the country, “need to be in school and stuff.”

Jason L. was quick to refute Corey’s message, however, claiming the latter is simply jealous for not having been invited to Max’s sleepover last Thursday.

“If Corey weren’t such a baby, he would’ve gotten invited. But Max’s mom said he could only have five friends over. And after me, Jacob, Preston, Dylan, and Kyle, there’s not much room left. Especially not for any babies. Which is what Corey is.”

At press time, Corey had been officially reassigned to the role of “Deputy Baby.”