Breakup Will Allow Local Man to Spend More Time Crying Uncontrollably

By JT Tomlinson

GREENDALE, OK — Counting his blessings during a difficult grieving process, local man Josh Stevenson conceded that one important benefit of the recent end of his relationship with Emily Taylor is that it will grant him more free time to cry uncontrollably.

“This experience has taught me to always see the silver lining,” Stevenson told Sack, as he scrolled through Taylor’s Instagram profile for the third time that day. “I’m awfully thankful for the time we got to spend with one another. I’m really happy for Emily and excited for all the wonderful things I know she’s going to do. And I can’t help but try to appreciate that my newfound freedom will afford me the opportunity to bawl frantically and without restraint in a way I wouldn’t be able to muster if we were still together.”

“I mean, if not for her, would I be able to do this?” an excited Stevenson posed, before breaking down and sobbing hysterically, exclaiming several times that he just wishes it were all different.

Friends and family expressed their support for Stevenson during this challenging time, noting that they’ve seen signs of progress from their loved one.

“Josh always loved being single,” confirmed his sister, Katie. “He loved having the freedom to do what he wanted, to explore places and meet new people. Of course, his favorite thing was to just block out maybe 30 or 45 minutes and weep passionately until his body couldn’t produce a single additional tear.”

“It’s been great to see him rally,” added roommate Eric Schneider. “Some days I think he’s taken a turn for the worse. But then I’ll walk in to find him sitting on the floor of the shower with his knees to his chest and face in his hands. And I know that he’s taken the difficult step of trying to look at the bright side of things.”

Stevenson is expected to re-enter the dating world with confidence in the abilities that make him an attractive partner. Asked what he’d want potential mates to know about him, Stevenson enthusiastically characterized himself as “tall, dark, and handsome, with an overt flair for the debilitatingly emotional.”

At press time, Stevenson was ecstatic about the prospect of building a “man cave,” in his home, and was actively shopping for a neon Kleenex bar sign.