Girl With Glasses Even Uglier Without Them

By Mia Young

BROOKLINE, MA — High school sophomore Gretchen Shaffer has been faced with an outpour of public disapproval for somehow being even uglier after shedding her glasses.

Gretchen was recently taken under the social wing of two sophisticated upperclassmen, Jessica Green and Bethany Osborn. However, when the two attempted to give Shaffer the classic nerd-to-prep makeover, they discovered that high heels and miniskirts did nothing to distract from her grotesquely bare facial features.

“Honestly? I wanted to throw up.” Jessica said, slurping the remaining 1/5th of her Venti Triple Half Sweet Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato. Bethany solemnly shook her head in agreement, adding that, “it was like, totally gross.”

Similarly, on a day where Gretchen wore contacts to school, she was sent home within minutes of attending her first class. “I just couldn’t let her walk around looking like that, it was simply unacceptable.” said Vice Principal Samuels. Other classmates have also remarked that seeing Gretchen without her horn-rimmed specs was “distracting during class” and “overall inappropriate.”

“There’s just no reason for her to have that much of her face exposed.” said another faculty member who asked to remain anonymous.

The PTA of Brookline High School is currently in the process of creating a petition in favor of expelling Gretchen from the school unless she “covers up” and “stops showing so much cheek.”